Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
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