hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
