Michael Bay diarrhea
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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