My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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