i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
