he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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