Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
