If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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