Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
