watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
