so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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