he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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