so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
