Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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