If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
