My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
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I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize