Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
