I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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