ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
