Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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