help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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