No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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