Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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