My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
