I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think my moral compass just broke
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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