My liver just broke up with me...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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