At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
