At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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