I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
