Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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