i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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