You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
