Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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