i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
