3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
