i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
