Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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