I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
