Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
