you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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