I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
