idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
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Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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