i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
