what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
