i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
