I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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