she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
