i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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