My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
