I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My ass is underappreciated
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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