not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
