first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
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On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.