I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
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When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
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Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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