Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
love makes seman taste better
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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