I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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