i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
